


God Knows I Tried

by x_Ren_x



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Brother/Brother Incest, Cigarettes, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Forbidden Love, Inspired by Music, Kaoru has long hair, M/M, Panic Attacks, Tears, Twincest, Twins, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-14
Updated: 2018-06-14
Packaged: 2019-05-21 20:48:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14922584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_Ren_x/pseuds/x_Ren_x
Summary: << I'll burn in Hell. >> you whisper against my lips.<< We'll both burn in Hell. >><< And you're not scared? >><< I'll just savor how sweet Heaven tastes until that day. >>Or, the story in which the twins try and come to terms with their mutual desire.





	God Knows I Tried

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is the second work that I post on here.  
> Again, HikaKao.  
> This was inspired and written by listening to "God Knows I Tried" by one of my all time favorite artists, Lana Del Rey. I just -- I can't. I love her so much. So here's what happened! 
> 
> I suggest you listen to the song as you're reading this fanfiction:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sxaq2Hn3U_k  
> so hopefully you'll feel the mood I wanted to set for this fic!

_Kaoru, I think they know_.

The first time I told you this, you bursted into an unexpected, exaggerated laugh.

We're lying on our bed, facing the ceiling, and one of your favorite songs is playing in the background, volume low to make sure that our parents won't wake up.

It's already four in the morning and really, we should be sleeping because tomorrow there's school, but really, we couldn't care any less.

 

It's in the night that we can be our true selves.

 

You roll onto your stomach, a little smirk playing on your lips as you interwine our fingers.

Your hand is strangely cold even though you're wearing a shirt, unlike me. I should just get up and close our window, but the moon is too beautiful tonight.

<< What are you talking about? >> you whisper huskly, a bit of amusement still clear in your voice, avoiding my gaze.

 

 _You know what I'm talking about_.

 

<< Here, take a drag, >> you gracefully extend your slender hand and oh so gently let the filter touch my lower lip, << you're talking nonsense now. >>

I hate the fact that you smoke now. I hate the fact that you try in every way to damage your beauty. I hate the fact that you hate yourself this much.

_Is it my fault? Are you hoping that by doing this I'll stop liking you this much? Are you perhaps waiting for that day in which the smell of cigarettes will bother me enought to stop yearning for your lips?_

 

_I'm afraid I'm in too deep for that to happen._

 

 << I... I hate the smell of cigarettes, you already know that. >> I sit up and fold my arms across my chest, giving you a stern look.

You stay quiet for a full minute minute. And then-- << Too bad. >> you say pouting as you take another drag and I look at you, look at the way your soft, pink lips wrap around the filter, and I think that hell, those lips weren't made for touching something as disgusting as that.

 _I should stop thinking about my brother's lips_.

My eyes drift somewhere else, taking in how soft your messy hair looks. You've let it grow longer in the past few months, already reaching past your shoulders. It gives you a wilder look when you don't tie them up in a low ponytail, like usual.

I like the way your hair feels between my fingers. I like the way you shiver whenever I gently tug at it. I like how I can still smell the faint scent of strawberries even after you've smoked your tenth cigarette. 

~~I guess I might as well admit that I fucking like everything about you~~

 

" **Wear my blinders in the rain**

**I've got nothing much to live for**

**Ever since I found my fame** "

 

You swing to the music as you sing along quietly, only now noticing my staring, and boldly hold my gaze.

<< What makes you think that? >> you ask, lying on your back and caressing your exposed stomach, bringing once again the cigarette to your lips.

<< They look at us strangely. They... they think it's time for us to find someone to date. >> I slide next to you, propping up on my elbow and looking at your face, no sign of emotion crossing your delicate features.

<< They're right. You're pretty popular at school, aren't you? It should be easy to find someone. >>

 

 _ **God knows I tried**_.

 

<< You know that's not the problem here. >> I say through gritted teeth, annoyed at how easy it was for you to say those words.

You stiffle a small laugh, putting out your cigarette and turning to your side to look me directly in the eyes, head reasting on your hand, a few strands of hair falling onto your face. << What's the matter, Hikaru? >>

 _Stop playing dumb_.

I instinctively tuck the hair behind your ear, and pretend not to notice how your eyes widen for a second, as if you didn't see that coming.

<< You know exactly what the matter is, Kaoru. Just drop this fucking act already. >>

You almost immediately sit up, getting away from me, thinking that maybe (just maybe) that would cover up the fact that there are now tears stinging your eyes. You curl up in a ball and your shoulders start shaking.

 _Oh Fuck, no. He's having one of his attacks_.

<< Kaoru... >> I plead, shifting closer to you. << Kao, sorry, hey, I'm so sorry, I'm just a fucking idiot. >> I wrap my arms around your thin figure, burying your face in my chest. By now, you're shaking uncontrollably.

 

<< Y-You were the one that started all of this. >>

<< Yes. >>

<< Y-You said that what made us feel good couldn't p-possibly be w-wrong. >>

<< I know. >>

You push yourself off of me, glossy lips and rosy cheeks, tears still running down your face, and in one swift movement your shirt is off.

I stare in shock and wonder as you put a cold, cold hand on my naked chest. You gently push and I can't help but comply, lying down on the mattress. I soon feel your body press down to mine, your lips close to my ear.

<< I just can't have enough of **this**.  >> you breathe out as you take my hands in yours and bring them to rest on your lower back, << Can't have enough of the feel of your fingers on **my** skin,  >> my grip tightens around your hips and you let out a small moan, << can't get enough of the taste of **your** skin,  >> you kiss down my neck and gently bite, << ...of the taste of your lips... >> you place a soft peck on my mouth.

<< I just can't help it. I can't, Hikaru, no matter how fucking hard I try. >> your voice cracks, your tears wetting my face. I pat your head and bury my face in the crook of your neck, kissing the sensitive skin there, feeling happy when I feel you shiver under my touch.

<< ...Then stop trying. >>

I sit up and put you in my lap, kissing you deeper this time. It's sloppy, needy, all tongue and teeth and this should feel awkward, it probably would if only we weren't so lost in each other. Your mouth still tastes of cigarettes but it doesn't bother me. It's part of your taste, nonetheless.

We break the kiss for a moment to catch our breaths, foreheads pressed together, your hands buried in my hair tugging me closer to you (if only that was possible).

 

<< I'll burn in Hell. >> you whisper against my lips.

<< We'll both burn in Hell. >>

<< And you're not scared? >>

<< I'll just savor how sweet Heaven tastes until that day. >> I press my lips to yours, taking you bottom lip in between my teeth.

Your moan soon turns into a small laugh.

<< Stupid. >>

 

 

 

_I'll be stupid all you want._

_I'll make you laugh, forget, reach the highest peaks of pleasure and comfort you when you feel guilty about that._

_I'd gladly fall into the darkest pits of hell, burning in the flames of this forbidden love,_

_if only that meant that you will let me stay by your side until the end of it all._

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know what you think about this in the comments, and if you want to you can check out my other HikaKao fanfiction, "Breathe".


End file.
